Tuesday, February 10, 2015

A Witness to a Murder

Dearest friends and family,

I am forever changed after the unfortunate events I've witnessed this past week. An innocent life was taken right before my eyes. There was not a lot we could have done to prevent this tragedy. We were out tracting the neighborhoods as usual when on the way back we saw the poor soul running for his life across the way in front of us. But it was to no avail. He had no chance, he could not escape what was coming for him. I wish there was something I, or my companion, could have done to help. But it was out of our hands.

This poor soul, who we came to know as Peter after the incident, was taken from this life and to my hopes brought to a better place. His body was mangled and left in a terrible, awful sight. I wish I could un-see what I have, the images are burnt into my mind.

Peter was running across the street, when from the sky the villain came. As you might have guessed, yes it was a Golden Eagle who took the life of a youthful Jack Rabbit. The villain, who still at this time has remained nameless, swooped with a mighty swoop  and wrestled with Peter on the ground until his upper half was torn from the bottom half of his body. Up into a nearby tree the villain took the now-half body Peter the Rabbit and began devouring his flesh. 

A very gruesome experience that I hope none of you will ever have to witness. Included in a subsequent electronic mail are photographs of this experience.

Yeah I know what you're all thinking - besides how terrible of an experience I had to endure - does this guy have a creative writing degree? The answer to your question is no, but I totally graduated high school. With the help of Google, blessed be that website, and SparkNotes, and a lot of "sharing answers" with esteemed colleagues (kids I sat by).

In other news, we stopped by this less active a few times, like good missionaries do, and no one answered. We left a sticky note that had our number on it one time, then the next time we saw her neighbors and talked to them about her. They said they "weren't at liberty to give that information". Later that day we got a call from a private number that wanted to talk to someone in charge of the Naperville Missionaries. We gave her the zone leader's number. She never called them, but she called a lot of people and eventually got President Fenn's number. She was on the phone with his for 2 hours! 

So we got a call from President, scariest moment of my life because you never get a call from President unless you've transgressed and are being sent home. Elder Aagard made me answer it! I almost peed, but I  was a man and answered it. He wasn't mad, but he told us to never contact her again.

I learned a good lesson about terrorist jokes. We teach this recent convert that used to be in the army. Anyways, he was teaching us about how to make bombs  out of things you can buy at any grocery store, super cool by the way. He was saying that you could make a bomb out of anything. I made the joke of "Yeah people are even making airplanes into bombs now-a-days". He did not like that.. So just so you're all aware, it's still too early for 9-11 jokes.

They put a Pepsi machine in the club house where we go to do our online proselyting. I can now buy Mountain Dew whenever I want! Tender Mercy of the Lord!! My companion isn't too fond of me drinking it, but anyone who tries to tell me that it's against the word of wisdom is going to get a swift punch to the throat! Because it's totally not :)

I apologize for the length of this e-mail, but I wanted to try to combine my friends and family into one e-mail so I would have more time to play ball with the zone leaders. Totally gonna dunk on someone today ;) Well if you have made it this far into this lengthy e-mail I will reward you with a little secret about myself: I have never

Pop quiz of the week:
Give me the answer back to this question and the reference. The winner gets an e-mail from me next week!!!

Knowest thou the condescension of God?

       A last heads up, the next P-day I will have won't be until the 19th because of something with the transfers being pushed back. So if you don't hear from me next Monday, don't fret.

Elder Scherer

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